| | I decided that I wanted to get back into consistent blogging. I wanted to make a new account on xanga (and I did for a day), but I've realized that it's changed so much that...I don't know if I want to screw with remaking everything, especially since I always liked the layout I had on here during its last couple of years of use.
I was really debating whether I should just go on Livejournal or Blogspot or something and remain separate from this guy, or if it would be alright to keep writing on this. One thing I don't enjoy about this particular xanga profile is my username, "ben_g15", something that, quite frankly, is a username that I really don't like. But--interesting bit of trivia--15 was the age when I started this, and "Ben G" is a handle I used back as early as elementary school when I was first introduced to the internet...so, you know, not a very creative choice of names. But I suppose that gives it some sort of meaning. It's a representation of what I was, and what I am now relative to that. For all my faults now, my faults under the "ben_g15" name were much worse, or at least much more pronounced. I have changed so immensely as a person that I don't even recognize myself in many of the entries, or even all of them. As you may notice, there are a handful of entries I made when I first entered college, but it wasn't much. Other than that, this entire site is devoted to High School...and the horrible, horrible phases I went through there. So it's hard to imagine, when reading these, that the person who wrote them is the same as the person writing now.
Then again, maybe it's because it actually IS me who is writing them, so I know exactly where my mindset is now and where my mindset was then, fully and completely. Maybe anyone else who reads these entries, people from another point of view, will be able to see the progression more clearly than I can. I don't know.
I just know for a fact that I need some sort of journal, but not a completely private one...something that I know will affect someone, somewhere, because someone other than myself will read it. But I don't want it on something like Facebook or MySpace, where people only read them to be nosy, and if I post too much I'll just make everything cluttered. I want it be something that people have to make an effort to visit, and only visit because they care about me, and want to make it a point to listen to what I have to say. So I'm selfish. So what? I'm also human. And I also say some pretty damn good things sometimes.
Whether I want to use this thing anymore? I have no idea. I really don't. There are pros and cons either way. I'll have to sleep on it, I think. I think it would be interesting to see the transition I've made. And while I used to tell people to stay away from my old entries...I encourage people to read them. Some are quite good, others are incredibly funny, and some...well, some will be infuriating. But the things that are infuriating are the things that influenced me the most as a person. I wouldn't have changed for the better if I didn't make the massive mistakes I made during the years I kept this journal (though the worst parts of my life aren't displayed as much here...there are certainly hilights).
This journal is something very special to me, as are its entries. I am never going to delete it, I just have yet to decide whether or not I want to continue writing in it or start something new. Either way, I'm not embarrassed by this anymore. Anyone who wants to read it is free to read it. You'll get a laugh, and maybe some insight into just how much I've grown up. And how dumb I used to be. Haha.
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| | Posted 1/24/2009 3:44 PM - 5 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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